Dr. Victor Frankenstein held a town square press conference today to announce the death of the town menace, Frankenstein's Monster. The Monster was killed by an elite mob of villagers in the early morning hours with a precision pitchfork attack.
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06/20/2006
Connecticut Mayor Admits Cocaine Use
On Tuesday, Bridgeport Mayor John M. Fabrizi admitted to using cocaine while in office. He apologized to city workers and council members in a speech but also tried to highlight some of the positive things Bridgeport has to offer such as P.T. Barnum's circus museum which the mayor suggests you "totally do on acid."
12/14/2005
TSA to Loosen Carry On Restrictions
The National Transportation Safety Administration has changed its rules to allow passengers to carry on once forbidden objects such as toenail clippers and small scissors. The agency was careful to note however that while passengers will now be allowed to carry sharp objects TSA screeners are still forbidden possess sharp vision, sharp wit or sharp uniforms.
The TSA says changing its priorities will allow it to shift resources to upgrade its bomb detecting technologies. Reportedly, all of the major Hollywood movie studios are watching these developments closely as they have proven to be in great need of such innovations.
12/12/2005
Mel Gibson's Newest Project
Mel Gibson, who was accused by many of promoting anti-Semitic views in his 2004 blockbuster "Passion of the Christ," is said to be involved in a new project set in a Nazi concentration camp. Gibson says that the content of the movie, tentatively titled "Passion 2: Payback," should put questions about his true beliefs to bed once and for all.
09/07/2005
Since when do we have "ample time" to fix disaster recovery?
The President said today that "there will be ample time to figure out what went right, and what went wrong" in the government's response to hurricane Katrina. The nation's terror alert level, however, remained unchanged at "elevated" status causing citizens to wonder what the Department of Homeland Security knows that the President doesn't.
09/03/2005
Kanye West Incorrectly Bashes Bush
During a live television benefit concert for New Orleans, rap star Kanye West criticized the federal government's slow response to help the stranded residents of New Orleans by claiming that, "George Bush doesn't care about black people."
The White House today released a response to West's characterization of the President.
"President Bush does care about black people. He cares not only for professional athletes, especially baseball players but also for college educated blacks who will do his dirty work, whether it be blowing smoke shields at the U.N. or lying to media outlets concerning the possible uses of aluminum tubes. Couple those examples with the fact that the minimum wage hasn't been raised since Bush entered office but that tax cuts for the wealthiest citizens have been issued multiple times and it should become clear that the President does not dislike black people, but all poor people, regardless of race or creed."
